Holding On and Letting Go
by steph031417
Summary: Clary's world is turned upside down, she's struggling and she doesn't seem to be able to stay afloat. Who will be there to save her?
1. Chapter 1

Please let me know what you think about this new story. :]

* * *

Clary muttered under breath, "I can do this. You can do this Clary. Just take a few breaths. Everything will be okay." She took a few labored breaths before following the nurse to the room at the end of the hallway. There was a gown already laid out on the paper covered table. The nurse instructed her to completely undress and put the gown on. The doctor would be in shortly. Clary looked over at the clock that hung on the wall. 9:21. He wasn't here. He promised he would be here for her. Always.

Clary did as she was told, undressing and putting the gown on. It took longer than it should, she was shaking badly at this point. She sat fidgeting on the paper table, not even hearing the constant sounds of crumpling paper from her movements. It seemed like a lifetime for the doctor to come into the room. When she finally entered, Clary felt her heart beat race.

"Hello, Clary, I am Jia. I will be your doctor performing the procedure today. You have been through all of the necessary counseling sessions and understand what will be happening today, is that correct?" Clary could only nod. A huge lump had formed in the back of her throat and she was certain that if she tried to speak, it would only come out as a mumbled mess.

"Good, okay then Clary, the nurse will be back in a few minutes to take your blood pressure and temperature. After that, we should be all set to go." Clary gulped and nodded once again. The doctor hovered in the doorway, watching the young girl fidget with the ends of her gown.

"Clary," She looked up wide eyed at Jia, "I am not here to judge. And to be honest, I legally cannot say anything that could sway your decision. This is yours and only yours to make. But if any time before the procedure is too far, if you tell me that you've changed your mind, I will stop. I have read your file. I understand your circumstances, but I want you to know that this is entirely up to you. Okay?" Clary nodded again, this time she had tears brimming her eyelids. The doctor walked out, leaving Clary alone.

She heard a knock at the door and harshly wiped the tears out of her eyes before quietly saying, "Come in", hopeful that it was Jace. But, itt was the nurse, who quickly began taking instruments off the wall and velcroing the cuff around her upper arm and taking her temperature. It only took a minute before she started removing the cuff, "A little high, but given the circumstances, completely understandable. Can I please have you follow me, we are going to head to the prep room and get you all ready to be moved in. You will just be receiving a mild sedative, we can keep you here until it wears off or you can call someone to drive you home. I think number two is the better option, to be completely honest. Afterwards, we will also prescribe a mild painkiller."

They were now in the prep area and the nurse gestured to the bed with a blanket covering it. She climbed into the bed, pulling the blanket up to cover her chest. The nurse attached a monitor to the tip of her finger and grabbed a needle that was laying on the tray. "This will only hurt for a second," she said as she rubbed a cotton ball over the area and took the cap off the needle. She slowly pushed the needle in, but Clary couldn't feel it. She felt numb, "Now you may feel a slight burning sensation. This will go away in a few moments. It is just the medicine flowing throughout your body. Nothing to be concerned with."

Clary did not feel a thing, in fact, she had felt like this for weeks, months even. Hopefully once this was all done, she would start to feel alive again. It had only taken a few hours to break her spirit, but it was taking much longer to regain it.

She knew it was wishful thinking to hope he would walk through the door right now. But more than anything she wished he could be there right now. He always knew when she needed him, it's what he was the best at. He had always been there, until now.

* * *

Clary had been having a rough time at school lately. With her mom now gone, her dad was trying his best. But he was a man, and men do not always have what it takes to take care of a teenage girl. She submerged herself into her art. Her best friend, Simon, had not even been able to reach her when she was painting. She could not help but feel rejected. By her mom, for leaving. It wasn't really her fault. She could not stop the cancer from spreading any more then Clary could. But, she needed her mom. She needed her for teenage years. For prom. For graduation. College. Yes, Luke would buy her whatever she wanted, he would be there to take pictures and make Clary smile, but it wasn't the same.

She continued to force herself into this hermit crab of a life. Not letting anyone in, rarely even Simon. She knew that everyone talked about her, laughed even. But none of them knew the internal struggle she fought every day.

As she walked quickly and quietly to her art class, she went to turn the corner and ran right into someone. This someone had golden hair and a strong body. It felt like hitting a rock, "Urgh, sorry." Clary said, not looking up completely. She scrambled to pick up the art supplies that had littered the floor from the impact.

"No, I am sorry. I was looking for room 2314. Do you know where that is at? I wasn't even paying attention. I'm sorry." This time Clary looked up but immediately looked back down. This guy was handsome, to say the least. A very masculine and defined body, paired with golden hair and eyes that complimented his summer tan. "Ro-room 2314?" Clary said, in amazement.

The golden god standing in front of her nodded his head, "Can you help me?"

"Uhm, uh, yeah. I-uh-I think that's where I am heading. A-art, right?" Clary stuttered, standing up from cleaning her supplies up.

"Yes, though I totally suck at drawing so I don't think this class will be for me." He laughed, showing off perfect white teeth. "Can I follow you then?"

Clary looked alarmed, "yeah, if you-if you want."

The walk was quick, but when Clary walked into the room, everyone had their attention on her, though she was soon to find out it wasn't her. It was the guy standing next to her with golden hair and eyes. He was mesmerizing, even Clary thought so. "Ah, Ms. Fray, I see you have brought our new student to class. Mr. Wayland?"

"Jace," he corrected.

"Jace it is then, please take a seat." Jace looked around to find where the beautiful girl with red hair had went, but she was tucked away in the back corner, with no empty seats around her. He shrugged into the first available seat, which happened to be front and center. He could hear the others whispering behind their hands to other people. He shrugged it off. Part of being new, I guess.

The class droned on, art was definitely not his thing. But, it was time for lunch. He knew that Alec and Izzy, his new siblings, would be eager to hear how his morning was going. He quickly found them in a mass of people, they were sitting at a table already.

"Hey." He said as he sat down. "Jace, everyone is talking about you," Izzy said with a flick of her long black hair, "Though, it's mainly how you showed up to class with Clary Fray."

"Clary?" Jace looked around confused, "Oh, her name is Clary."

"Jace, you should stay away from her. She is weird, you don't want to start off your first week like this." Izzy said with a shake of her head. "You are going to be a jock, on the football team. Girls are going to be chasing after you for dates Jace." Alec looked up from his lunch, remotely nodding.

Jace huffed, "What makes her so weird? She didn't seem weird to me."

Izzy's face flushed, "She missed a ton of school at the beginning of the year. When she came back, she was totally weird. Painting all the time, never talking to anyone, other than occasionally saying something to that other weirdo, Simon. Anyways, you don't want to be associated with her Jace. Trust me."

Jace sighed, "Thanks for the advice, but I think I can handle figuring out who I want to talk to or not, Izzy." Jace got up from the table to leave, "I'm going to head to my next class before I end up late again." The others watched as Jace left the lunch room in a haste.

Jace headed towards his next class, History. Great, a snooze fest, and right after lunch. He was staring down at his schedule when he was tripped by a leg that was on the floor. He looked down, startled, after regaining his balance. It was her, Clary.

"I'm-uh I'm sorry." Jace mumbled, seeing Clary sitting on the floor eating her lunch. "I wasn't paying attention, I was looking at my schedule and I didn't even see you there. Since I've ran into you twice today, my name is Jace." Clary looked up at him, but did not reply. After a minute she looked back down and continued to nibble on the apple in her hand. Jace wasn't going to let this go, "Hello, I'm Jace." He smirked. Clary looked up, "Oh, you're talking to me?"

Jace looked around confused, "Who else would I be talking to?"

Clary became flustered, "Well, I-uh well-I. Usually people don't talk to me."

Jace smiling, once again showing off his perfect smile, "I don't know why not."

"Well, they are usually laughing or making fun of me. My name is Clary." She was blushing, she could feel the heat of it rising through her cheeks.

"I don't know why anyone would laugh at you." Jace was still smiling.

"I'm not the typical high school girl, so therefore I am prime bait for anyone that wants to make fun of someone. At this point, I'm used to it."

"It doesn't bother you that you're the brunt of their jokes?" Jace asked curiously.

"They're not my friends, what they have to say about me doesn't affect me. I might be quiet, and I like to paint and draw, but I'm not as weird as they think that I am." Clary said quietly. She hadn't talked to anyone like this in months. Her and Simon were best friends, but they had their difficulties in the past few months, as well. Simon was still hurt that she didn't have the same feeling for him as he did for her. And she understood that. But, she couldn't force herself to feel those same feeling either. They still hung out, but things were… different.

Jace sat down next to her, "Well, if it makes any difference, I don't think you're weird. Quiet, yes. Weird, no. At least not yet." He smirked.

"You might not want to sit by me either, then being the new kid, everyone will start thinking you're as weird as me too. You don't want that stigma from the beginning." Clary was packing up her lunch. The lunch period was almost over and then she needed to head to History.

Jace jumped up, "I could care less what people have to say about me. You'll see. I think that we will be great friends someday, Clary. Just wait and see." Jace smirked and extended out his hand for her to grab to pull her up. She looked up at him shyly and grasped his hand.

* * *

If she was supposed to feel more relaxed, she wasn't. The sedative was not having the desired effect on Clary. In fact, Clary had a knot growing in her stomach that made her want to vomit. She was laying on the gurney, they were almost ready to wheel her back to a procedure room. "You can do this. You can do this. You can do this." Clary muttered under her breath. A few deep breaths later and Clary still wasn't feeling good about this. This is what she had to do. The nurse came in, "Clary, I am going to take you on back now, okay?" Clary nodded and could feel herself being moved. It only took a few moments to reach their destination. The room held several bright lights that caused Clary to wince and close her eyes. She could feel the antiseptic stinging her nose and the chill she received from the cold room. Deep breaths Clary. Deep breaths. She heard Jia enter the room and the snap of rubber gloves being put on.

"Okay Clary, we are going to start now. Are you okay with that?" Clary nodded mechanically. She was shaking. She could feel it. The sedative was definitely not working, she shouldn't be this anxious, she shouldn't be this nervous. Clary tried to focus on something else, anything else. It just wasn't working. She stared up at the bright light above her head and tried to take a few last deep breaths. Her chest was tight, extremely tight, making it hard to breath. Her breath came in short, labored breaths. She could feel her heartbeat pounding in her ears. Clary sat up suddenly, causing Jia to jerk away.

"Stop. Please stop. I can't do this. Please. I can't do this." Clary blubbered, tears running down her cheeks.

Jia looked alarmed at the sudden outburst, but quickly recovered, "Okay Clary, I have stopped for a minute here. Are you certain you want me to stop the procedure?" Clary once again nodded. "Clary, I need you to tell me in words if you want me to stop."

"Yes, I want you to stop. I can't do this. I want you to stop." Clary rambled.

Jia nodded, "Okay. Please sit still, just for a few minutes okay, Clary? I just need to pull the speculum out. Just relax for a minute or two, it will make it less painful, okay?" Clary barely noticed what was happening.

It was several minutes later when the nurse rolled her out of the procedure room and into a room. She laid there in silence for a long time. She was finally interrupted by Jia entering the room again.

"Hi Clary, I wanted to come in and check on you, make sure that you hadn't changed your mind again?" Clary looked up at her with wide, teary eyes, "No, I haven't."

Jia nodded, her dark hair peeking out from under the surgical cap, "Okay, then I think we need to discuss your options from here. I will get you in touch with a colleague of mine, Aline Penhallow, she can discuss your options going forward. You will want to make an appointment with her soon, you are going to need care sooner rather than later. I will have my receptionist supply you with her number. I think you are..."

She was interrupted by Clary, "I am not trying to be rude, but my head is kind of spinning right now, when can I go home?" Her voice wavered and was soft.

Jia smiled, "I understand, sorry to bombard you with too much information. I would like you to remain back here for about an hour, giving that sedative a little time to wear off. After that, you are free to leave. Though, I would strongly advise calling someone to come get you. Better safe than sorry. I am going to work on your discharge papers and the nurse will be in, in about 45 minutes to an hour to get you ready to leave, do you want to call someone now?"

Clary nodded and picked up the phone, she knew exactly who she was going to call. After several rings, the phone was finally answered with a gruff, but soothing voice, "Hello?"

* * *

"Simon, I need your help with something."

Simon was a great friend, Clary could never deny that. But standing in front of her mother's coffin, she knew he wanted more than to be just friends. Clary's heart was already breaking and she didn't have it left in her to push him away right now. She needed her best friend. Simon stood next to her, holding her hand as tears fell down her cheeks.

Luke came up to her side and touched her shoulder gently, "Clary, it's time to go. We need to head to the cemetery." He hadn't cried at the funeral home, but Clary had heard him several times in his room at home. If a grown man crying over losing the love of his life wasn't enough to completely tear you down, I don't know what would. But, he had been strong for Clary. Just like she needed.

She laid a kiss on her mother's cold hand and then followed Luke out of the room with Simon.

The cemetery wasn't a place that brought peace to Clary. She thought that seeing her mom being lowered into the ground would bring her the closure she needed. But it wasn't. Simon stood next to her, holding her up as they said their last goodbyes. They stood there for hours after the burial, staring, crying, breaking at the unearthed ground in front of them. But Simon and Luke never left her side. They eventually all went home just as the sun began to set.

Luke went to his room to lay down and Clary and Simon headed to hers. She dressed in comfy pajamas and laid in bed, while Simon stood awkwardly in the middle of the room. "Simon?" Clary asked, seeing his weird behavior.

He shoved his hands quickly down into his dress pants and looked down, not wanting to meet her eyes. "I know this is a really bad time Clary, but we need to talk. I mean, I just want you to know how much I care about you."

Clary nodded, emotionally drained from the day she just had. "I know you do Simon. You are my best friend."

Simon grew frustrated, "No Clary, I mean really care for you… I am in love with you Clary."

Clary was taken back by his sudden declaration, especially on a day like today, "Simon, I-uh I. You are my best friend Simon, I don't want anything to change that, but I don't see you like that. You're like a brother to me." She felt her heart drop with the look that crossed his face. He was completely heartbroken. She had just lost her best friend.

"Of course, a brother. Yeah…" Simon quickly exited out of the room. She heard the front door slam a few moments later.

* * *

Simon had picked her up at the exit to the clinic. He allowed her her silence on the way home. He did not pressure her for information, he knew with time she would open up if she wanted. When he arrived at her apartment, he helped her out of the car and into her studio style apartment.

She dropped everything on the kitchen table and Simon followed after her as she went to lay down. It had been a stressful day and all Clary wanted to do was sleep. She got into bed and allowed Simon to pull the covers up over her body. They still had not spoken a word to each other, other than Simon quietly asking if she was okay. She just gave him a shake of her head and he left it at that. He knew that bugging her and pressuring her to open up would have the opposite effect, she would clam up and he would never get it out of her. Instead, he knew by now that Clary would come to him if she wanted him to know.

Simon then went to the kitchen, poured Clary a large glass of water and pulled two small pills out of a bottle. He handed them to her and she swallowed them in one gulp. "They will help, do you want me to stay with you?" He asked hopeful, even though he was with Izzy. Clary shook her head no and closed her eyes. All she needed was sleep, at least she could drown out the world if she was sleeping. Simon waited a minute or two before retreating out the bedroom and finally the apartment, locking the door on the way out.


	2. Chapter 2

Hello everyone! I hope you enjoyed my first chapter. Please, let me know what you think by reviewing my story. I would love to hear ideas or comments that you might have. I'm putting out another chapter of this story, that I hope you really enjoy! I have a good portion of this story already written, so I'll be making random chapter posts as I put the finishing tweaks on them. But, please, let me know what you think! :]

* * *

It had felt like days since Clary had fallen asleep, but in fact, it had only been 5 hours. She groaned as she looked at the clock on her nightstand. Clary stretched out a minute and then got up to pee. While in the bathroom, she also pulled out a sleeping pill and gulped it down with a drink of water. She wanted to forget this day had ever happened, and in Clary's mind, sleep was the only way to do that. She shrugged back down under her covers and curled into a ball.

Tears poured down her face as she tried to fall asleep. She would have loved for Jace to be next to her right now, embracing her in his arms, telling her everything would be okay. But he wasn't and it killed her. She really thought after their fight, he still would have come to the appointment. She didn't blame him. He didn't want her to go through with it, but she thought he would have been there to support her. She needed him.

* * *

"I don't understand why you are changing your mind now, I've had this appointment for two weeks Jace. Two weeks! Now all of a sudden, you don't think it's a good idea? What am I supposed to say to that? You haven't had to go through what I've been through." Clary yelled.

They had hardly ever been in a fight like this. They usually took a few small jabs at each other and it was over. This time, she could tell it just wasn't the same.

"I know Clary, but I'm giving you my opinion. I may not have had to go through what you have, but I've been here watching you, caring for you, helping YOU, and now you won't even take my opinion into play?" He spit the words out through his teeth.

"I might have taken your opinion into play, if you weren't trying to change it last minute. Two weeks ago, you said nothing when I told you I had made the appointment. NOTHING. I have been mentally preparing myself. I have to do this Jace. It's my body and it's what I need to do to be done with all of this." Clary heavily sighed, "Why does this have to be a fight right now? If you felt so strongly about it, why didn't you say something?"

"Because would you have listened? It might be your body Clary, but I know you are going to regret it. I don't want you do something that you will blame me for later. So, I'm telling you right now, I don't think you should do this!" Jace threw his hands up in the air.

"Blame YOU for? BLAME YOU FOR? Are you kidding me right now, you're going to turn this on you now? When have I ever blamed you for this? Ever!? I blame myself and I have always blamed myself. You can tell me over and over that it isn't, but I can't get that out of my head. And now you're going to turn it on you? Unbelievable!" Clary went to storm away from him but he grabbed her arm. "Don't leave, Clary." Clary threw a nasty look in his direction, "Why not? If you're not going to support me, then why even be here?" She stalked off to her car, leaving him there.

* * *

The sleeping pill had kicked in to say the least. Clary woke with a jolt at 5:45 in the morning. The room was dark, but she could see a figure sitting in a chair across from her bed. Clary moved to turn her lamp on and when she did, Jace's figure came into view.

"What are you doing here? How long have you been watching me sleep?" She asked, with a rough tone to her voice. She didn't mean it, but after sleeping for a whole day and crying herself to sleep, her voice was rough from non-use.

Jace stood up and walked closer to the bed. That's when Clary noticed his features. It was as if he hadn't slept in days. His face was sullen and he had dark circles under his eyes. His eyes were sincere and dark as he sat on the bed next to her, "I came to see you. I've been here since midnight. I couldn't sleep. Are you okay? Are you in pain? Listen Clary, I'm sorry for how I acted. I should have been there. Who drove you home? Are you hurting?"

"Simon brought me home. But Jace it's okay, really I-..." But she was interrupted by Jace, "No, Clary it's not okay. It's not even remotely okay. I should have taken care of you. Simon shouldn't have had to drive you home because I should have been there. You didn't answer my question, are you in pain?" He hung his head low, avoiding her eyes.

"Jace, I'm fi-." She started but was cut off again by Jace, "Don't say you're fine. You're anything but fine Clary. I'm serious, I need you to tell me if you hurt or what I can do to help. Or what I can do to make you not mad anymore, because you only say you're fine when you're mad at me. And I can't stand having you mad at me. I know it was a real bonehead thing to do. But I love you Clary, so much. And I just can't hav-." He was rambling and Clary cut him off, "Jace, really I'm fine. I'm not mad. Hurt that you weren't there, yes. But not mad. I didn't go through with it." She had tears in her eyes by this point. One look at his face made the tears start to fall. "What do you mean, you didn't go through with it?"

"I mean, I didn't do it. I was in the procedure room and she was starting and I begged her to stop. I was scared, I am scared Jace. What did I do?" The tears flowed down her face and Jace cupped her cheeks in his hands.

"It will be okay Clary, I promise. We will get through this together."

Jace laid down on his side of the bed and pulled Clary closer to him. She continued to cry on his chest while he played with her hair and rubbed her back. They both eventually fell asleep, together. Just the way Clary wanted.

* * *

Clary was finally having a night out. Jace had been bugging her about going out for months now. She had been too wrapped up in art school to be able to have fun. But it was almost their anniversary and Clary really needed it. Being so absorbed in school was not having good effects on her and Jace's relationship. They spent little time together and when they did have free time, she was thinking of all the things she needed to do. It was really taking its toll. But Clary was committed to having a good time tonight. She headed over to Izzy's early, she was going to help her look amazing tonight.

When she got to the Lightwood house, the lights around the house made it seem so grand. She had been here more times then she could count, but the house still took her breath away.

It looked like a small castle, with its stone exterior, balconies, and luscious landscaping. Luke owned a nice house, but it was nothing in comparison to this home. She parked her car next to Jace's motorcycle and entered in the front of the house.

"Izzy!" She yelled from the front door. Izzy came bounding down the stairs in an instant. "I was hoping that was you! We have so much to do…. Come on." Izzy pulled her up the stairs to her bedroom. "I laid out a few outfits for you, Clary. Ones Jace is going to love!" Clary rolled her eyes.

Her and Izzy had much different tastes, but Clary would wear one tonight. Just to enjoy her night with Jace and make tonight as fun as possible. They would be tight and include uncomfortably high heels, but arguing with Izzy was a lost cause. She found it easier to play along.

When she walked into Izzy's room, it was as if the entire closet had thrown up on her floor. Clothes, shoes, accessories littered every surface she could see. This was going to be a long night. She took a deep breath and followed Izzy into her attached bathroom.

Clary was subjected to the torture for at least two hours before Izzy had decided she looked presentable for Pandemonium tonight. Clary had on a form fitting, no, tight was a better word for it, black dress that made her red hair glow. And true to Isabelle fashion, her heels were at least five inches, strappy, and also black. Izzy had tamed her wild mess of red curls and they fell in ringlets down her back.

Clary had to admit, she looked good. Better than she had felt in months. She had been so absorbed in art school, trying to make sure she did well, that she had lost sight of quality time with the people that mattered the most in her life. She grabbed the purse Izzy had picked out for her outfit and headed out of the room to meet Jace in the living room.

Alec was already waiting there, dressed in jeans and a dark blue dress shirt. Clary wondered if Izzy had picked the shirt out for him, it was unusually fancy for him.

It didn't take long for Jace to come down the stairs practically pulling Izzy along with him. "I knew she would take forever getting ready if I let her, so I made her hurry up and finish so we could leave. I am not waiting all night for her to put on makeup." Clary looked at Jace. He was dressed in jeans like Alec, but he adorned a light blue shirt that brought out the color of his eyes.

He still took her breath away, the way he smiled and you could see the spark in his eyes, it made Clary's heart melt all over again. He came over to give Clary a hug, wrapping his warm body around hers, "you look good, Fray." He muttered in her ear. Alec broke them up by mentioning that they should probably get going.

When they got to Pandemonium, the party was already in full swing. Izzy, Alec, Jace and Clary pushed their way through the crowd to get up to the bar. There was a bar table that was empty as they got closer, "Why don't you girls stay here? Alec and I will get drinks and be back."

Izzy and Clary sat down on the stools to wait for Jace. They talked about Clary, her art, how her school was going. They even talked about Izzy and Simon and how their relationship was going. Simon was supposed to be here later tonight, after he got off of work. They realized the boys had been gone, probably for at least forty-five minutes. Yes, Pandemonium was packed, but not so packed it would take them forty-five minutes to get four drinks.

"I'll go see where they're at. You wait here." Clary jumped up and walked closer to the bar, Alec and Jace were nowhere in sight. She continued around to the opposite of the bar and then towards the dance floor. Still no sight of them. She was going to head back to Izzy when she spotted Jace standing near the bar talking to a girl. Clary could feel her face redden, but she continued up to the situation in front of her. The girl had dark brown hair that was long and curled. She had a full face of makeup on and red lipstick along with a skimpy black dress that barely covered her butt. She was pretty, beautiful even, but Clary was furious.

Jace was laughing and smirking when Clary got close enough to see, "Uhm Jace?" She said and he flipped around. "Oh. Hi, Clary. This is, Samantha. Samantha, this is Clary." Clary nodded a hi to her. "Can we talk?" She was pissed. They finally go out together for one night and Jace is flirting with another girl. She grabbed his arm and pulled him away.

"Clary, this isn't what it looks like." Jace said as they moved away.

"Oh, it's not? It looks like you left Izzy and I forty-five minutes ago to get drinks and you've been MIA since. And then, I find you over here talking to another girl! No fucking way." Clary was mad and it showed in her voice.

"I was heading back with the drinks for you and Izzy, when I bumped into Samantha and spilt two of the drinks all over her. I felt bad, we started talking, and I'm sorry. I should have come right back over, but I had to get new drinks and I felt guilty for spilling the drinks on her, so I had to buy her one too." Jace did sound innocent, but it didn't make it any less upsetting.

Clary continued on, "You're the one that convinced me to come here tonight, Jace. And now, you're over there talking to some other girl, some other beautiful girl. I'm going home, I can't do this." Clary might have been over reacting, but she was hurt.

Jace touched her cheek, "Clary, don't leave. Let's go dance. Let's have fun. I honestly just felt bad for spilling a drink on her. That was it. I swear. Let's have a great time tonight. Together." Jace pleaded with her.

"No! I don't want to be here anymore. I just want to go home." Clary started to move away, "This is so ridiculous! I was willing to have a good night. I was willing to come out tonight and drink and have a great time."

Jace grabbed her hand to pull her back, "Please Clary, Please. Let's just have a good night. I'm sorry, I was a bonehead. I'm sorry. Please." Jace wanted to spend this night with her. That's all he had been looking forward to all week. "You know I'm not like that, you've known me far too long to think I would blow you off for another girl. You know me, you know that."

Clary ripped her hand away and stormed back over to Izzy, "I'm sorry, Iz, but I'm leaving."

"Did you find Jace?" She asked.

"Yeah, I found him. And now I'm leaving. I'll talk to you later." She grabbed her purse and stormed toward the exit.

Finally having a chance to clear her head, she calmed down a bit. Jace was right, she knew him and flirting with another girl wasn't like him. She stopped halfway to the exit and turned around. She was mad at him and she only agreed to come out tonight because their relationship needed it. She walked back towards the table and found another occupant had already taken Izzy's spot. Instead, Clary decided to head toward the back door and take a minute to clear her head. She blew up because she wanted to go home, not because she was actually mad at Jace. He would never have flirted with another girl, he had only ever had eyes for her. She pushed open the back door to Pandemonium and stepped out. The door slammed shut behind her. There were two figures further down the alley, but it was completely dark. Clary wasn't sure why she had decided to come out here, but she pulled on the door to try to go back in. She had a sick feeling in her stomach, but the door wouldn't budge. She pounded and pounded, but the music was too loud, no one would hear her.


	3. Chapter 3

"Start from the beginning, what happen first?" The officer stood, looming over Clary as she laid in the hospital bed.

It had only been a little over a day since she had been brought here, but it had felt much longer. Due to the sedatives they had given her, Clary had slept most of the previous day. The police had been bugging the doctors about getting a statement, so they finally caved and asked Clary if she was ready. Jace had vehemently told them no, but Clary insisted that she just wanted to get it over with.

She was nervous, he could tell that much. Her hand twitched in her lap. She hadn't even given him any details, now she was going to spout it out for all of them to hear.

"I went out the back door of Pandemonium, I needed some fresh air. Jace and I had just gotten into an argument and I wanted to get away from people for a little while. When I first stepped out, the alley looked empty. But it wasn't."

Jace wasn't sure if he was ready to hear this yet either, but he had to be strong for Clary.

The police were waiting for her to go on. "Go on." One of them said and he wanted to beat the living shit out of him. Didn't he do this for a living? Shouldn't he practice patience and understanding that this would be difficult for anyone, especially someone that was beaten as badly as Clary was.

"I wasn't in the alley for more than a minute or two before two men stepped out of the shadows."

Jace inhaled quickly, he hadn't been expecting this, for her to remember so much. "They were coming at me quickly and I tried to open the door to get back in, but it was locked from the outside. I pounded on the door a couple times, but with as loud as the music was pouring into the alley, I knew no one could hear me. I tried to run to the front of the building where people would be, but the men blocked my way through. I started to get scared. The first man grabbed me by my arms and turned me around. He had his hand covering my mouth. And even though I screamed and screamed, it was muffled by his hand. He just pushed his hand tighter across my mouth. I was having hard time breathing. The other guy started grabbing at my clothes. I was struggling to get away from them. That's when they threw me on the ground and dragged me farther into the alley. We were almost against the back wall, I could see the bricks from behind them. The one still held me still, holding my hands above my head. They were laughing, like it was a sick joke." She was crying, sobbing was more correct.

Jace just wanted them to stop. "I think we should do this later." He was holding her hand from the chair next to her bed. "No Jace. I just want this to be over with."

She took another few deep breaths, "I was struggling against the man holding me down, so the one standing up kicked me a few times in the side. I felt like I had the wind knocked out of me. They took that opportunity to rip as much of my clothing off as possible. They were clawing and biting at my skin. Punching me and slapping when I moved even the slightest. I knew what they were planning to do, so I started struggling again. They punched, kicked, slapped at me to get me to lay still. When I still wouldn't relent, they lifted my head and slammed it against the ground. I remember seeing stars for a long time, everything was blurry and I was having a hard time not closing my eyes. And it hurt so bad, I couldn't move. They took this chance to- to- to get on top of me." Clary was crying uncontrollably.

Jace got into the bed next to her and wrapped his arm around her sulked shoulders. "Clary, you can stop. We don't have to do this right now." He was mad. Mad that anyone could to do this to someone, but especially to his Clary. Mad that she was hurting, not just physically but emotionally too. Mad at himself for not being there, for not stopping this from happening.

The younger of the two officers spoke up, "Sir, we really need to get a statement. Anything that could help us find the two of them. I'm not trying to be rude, but maybe you should step outside and let her nurse back in. We need every detail to put in our report. I understand this is extremely hard, for the both of you. She can take as long as she needs, but we need to get this statement."

Jace sighed and hung his head, they were right. He knew they were right. He was just so worried about her. "I'm not leaving her."

Everyone was silent for a few minutes to collect themselves and then Clary began to talk again.

"It hurt, it hurt so bad. When the first one was finished, they switched. I fought this one harder. I was starting to see straight again. My head was pounding, but I could see. I tried to get away several times. But then the one holding me pulled out a knife. He had it held right over my throat and told me that if I didn't stop moving, he would cut my throat. I moved once in pain and he took the knife and ran it down my arm. Trying to prove to me that if I didn't just let it happen, he would do it somewhere more life-threatening. It felt like it was never going to be over. It had to of taken up at least a half hour of time, he was biting and slapping me to get me to stop moving. The other one had his pants back on by now and he held me down while the other one continued. They must have heard something, because they left, as fast as they could. I couldn't get up. I couldn't move. I eventually think I passed out because I don't remember getting here."

The officers were both writing in their notepads, "Did you see the men? Do you remember any significant markers? Tattoos? Moles? Scars? Would you be able to describe to our sketch artist what they looked like? Anything at all that could identify them."

Clary shook her head a couple times, "It was extremely dark. I think they both had dark hair. White men. Strong, muscular. One had a rose tattoo on his lower arm. But… I don't know. I don't know. That's all I can remember. It was dark." Clary was bawling again. This time, into Jace's shirt.

He looked up at the cops, "what else do you need? Are you done here?"

They closed up their notebooks, "We will be in contact, we have more questions, of course. But since she didn't see their faces, we can wait for the specifics." They both left their cards on the table and walked out.

Abby came in a few minutes later, "do you want a sedative Clary? We don't want you putting a lot of pressure on your head or your ribs. They are going to take some time to heal."

Clary looked up at her, "Can I shower first? I feel so disgusting."

"Are you sure you're ready for that? Would you prefer I give you a sponge bath?" Abby was checking her blood pressure.

Izzy bounced into the room at the same time, "Hey Clary, Jace, I came to check on you. I went shopping and bought you some clothes to wear. Don't worry, they are sweatpants and tee shirts."

Izzy was her vibrant self again. It was as if the breakdown from last night never happened. Though if Jace knew Izzy, she took that as an opportunity to do some retail therapy.

"Actually, I was just going to take a shower. Would you mind getting something out for me to wear when I get out? Jace would you help me into the bathroom at least?" Her voice was small and quiet.

Abby spoke up, "I will help you bathe, we need to be careful of your ribs and wrist. You'll have to take a bath; a shower might cause more injury to your head. We need to be careful of that wound. Jace, you want to be on standby in case I can't lift her out?" He nodded and helped Clary pull back her covers.

When she went to stand, she started swaying, "hey, hey, hey, Clary, are you okay?" He stood in front of her, trying to steady her. He was trying to meet her eyes with his, but she had hers closed. "Maybe this isn't a good idea, maybe we should wait a few days. Let Abby give you a sponge bath."

"No, no, I'm fine. I need to take a real bath." She braced herself against Jace and walked slowly to the adjacent bathroom. Abby had started the water and Clary sat down on the toilet. Jace untied the back of her gown and Abby came in to help her get in.

Clary seemed self-conscious and very uncomfortable of the fact that Jace was even there to begin with. She has just been raped, of course she wouldn't want him there. He felt bad that he hadn't thought he would make her uncomfortable.

He wanted to vomit, seeing all of the bruises and scratches. They covered almost every inch of her body. She even had bite marks around her breasts and chest. He started to back out of the room and turn around just in time to run into Izzy. She was going in to lay Clary's clothes on the counter, so Abby could help her in them.

"I-uh-I uhm I'll be back in a few minutes, will you let Clary know?" Jace stuttered, but he needed to get out of there.

He turned around and practically raced out of the room. He made it down to the lobby and out the front doors. Jace ran out to the parking lot before he started vomiting. He stood there, bent over with his hands on his knees for several minutes before he had the nerve to stand up. He took a few deep breaths and stood up.

He slowly made his way back into the hospital. Izzy was pacing outside of her room, "Izzy? What's going on? Is she okay? What happened?"

"Did you see her Jace? Did you see all of the bruises and scratches? There isn't an inch of her that isn't covered with something!" Izzy was hysterical again.

"Of course, I saw it. But we have to be there for her 100%. So, you need to pull yourself together and come in, or you need to go home. She is doing okay right now, but it's not going to last forever. She's going to need us, Izzy, especially you. Because you're a girl. If you need to go home and pull yourself together, then that's what you need to do. But this is about her and I can't handle everyone having a breakdown about this. I have to be strong for her and you guys are draining it out of me."

Jace ran his hands through his hair. He was exhausted, but he wouldn't admit that to anyone right now. His main concern was Clary and he would try to sleep when she did.

He went to walk into Clary's room, but Izzy spoke up. "I guess I'm going to go home for now. I'll send Alec up. Do you need anything?" Her feelings were hurt, he could tell. But, like he said, this was about Clary. "Can you have Alec bring me some clean clothes? I've been in these for two days." Isabelle nodded and took off down the hall.

He went into the room, Clary was already dressed and lying in bed. She looked up from her lap when she heard the door shut.

"Abby is about to give me another sedative. I feel like I could sleep forever. You can go home Jace, you don't have to wait around for me to wake up. I'll be okay. You look so tired."

Jace shook his head, "I'm not going home without you. I'm not leaving your side anytime soon Clary. I'll have Abby bring one of those chair beds in, I'll sleep while you do. I'll be fine. You just worry about feeling better."

Abby did bring in Clary's sedative and she would go find him a chair. When she did roll it in, he rolled it as close to Clary's bed as he could get it. She was already asleep and he couldn't wait to close his own eyes. He fell asleep, holding Clary's hand.


End file.
